Sermon from Sunday, April 14, 2013

Reverend Mel Baars

Main Post Chapel, Ft. Sam Houston 

“Do you love me?”

When I was little, I wasn’t a very good listener. I was always in such a hurry to answer that I hardly ever waited to hear the whole question. This especially drove my father crazy. Maybe some of you understand his frustration. We would get into these round and round cycles of question and answer repetition. He would ask me something a first time, but I would be so eager or so distracted, that I would answer before he even finished. “Mary Ellison,” he would say sternly, “Listen to what I am saying.” So, he would ask again, and, at least most of the time, I would still fail to really hear, even if I was trying a little harder. “Mary Ellison,” he would say exasperated, “Pay attention.” It was normally that third go round when his words actually sunk in, when I comprehended what I was answering. 

Most of us are guilty, on occasion, of speaking too soon, of jumping to the answer before we have understood the question fully. Today’s gospel exchange between Peter and Jesus is just this. Jesus asks a question which, in the end, will require Peter to give up everything, even his life, but Peter is in a hurry. “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these...” So eager, so ready to answer, Peter doesn’t take time to consider the question. What is Jesus really asking? Do you love me more than these? What does this really mean? More than what? Is Jesus talking about Peter’s friends or his family? Is he talking about Peter’s safety or comfort? Is he talking about his life? “Do you love me more than these.” To what is Peter answering “Yes?” I’m not sure he knows himself, but he wants to say yes so baldy-- Yes, without understanding what yes really means. 

I don’t think any of us can blame Peter for his eagerness, perhaps even for trying to assuage the guilt that has been weighing upon him since Jesus’ death. Because, just days before this scene, Jesus predicted that Peter, his rock, would deny him three times. Do you remember their conversation during the Last Supper? Peter asks Jesus where he is about to go. Jesus says, ‘Where I am going, you cannot follow me now; but you will follow afterwards.’ But, Peter pushes back asking, ‘Why can’t I follow you now? I will lay down my life for you.’ And, Jesus answers, ‘Will you? Will you really lay down your life for me? Very truly, I tell you, before the cock crows, you will have denied me three times.” Words can be cheap, especially when we don’t understand the fullness of their meaning. Of course, Jesus is right about Peter’s lapse of faith. Because of fear and confusion and doubt, Peter denies him, not once but three times. The shame of this failure must be fresh in Peter’s memory.

So back on the beach, Jesus asks the question for a second time. “Simon son of John, (listen to what I am saying to you) do you love me?” But, Peter is still eager. Driven by his need to say, “Yes,” he responds quickly, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” We can almost hear Peter’s annoyance growing. He already said “Yes” once. Why ask the question again? But Jesus knows Peter all too well, just as he knows us. He knows human weakness. He knows that our words easily slip off the tongue. He also knows that once the emotion has subsided, words can quickly be forgotten. In this moment when Peter says, “Yes, I love you,” he means it, or he thinks he means it. But, what about tomorrow and the next day and the day after that? What about when fear and doubt creep back into the equation? What about when his love is put to the test, when Peter is forced to face the crucibles of his life, or even, his death? Will he remember this moment on the beach when he said “Yes” and meant it? Will this memory be enough to keep him faithful?

This exchange couldn’t be forgotten, and this is what Jesus was counting on. Peter answered first with eagerness, then with a hint of annoyance, and finally a little hurt. As he answered, Jesus’ words sunk in. Do you love me... well then.. “Feed my lambs...” If you mean what you say.... “tend my sheep...” If you love me... “feed my sheep...” This is what love looks like. There is a quote attributed to St. Francis of Assisi that, as a preacher especially, I always hold in the back of my mind, “Preach the gospel every day, but only if necessary use words.” If you really love me, Jesus says, don’t just talk about it. Live like it. Live your life as if loving me makes all the difference. Love is how you catch people. It’s how you spread the good news.

Jesus sees the future, what Peter can’t yet know or understand. He is like a wise father who looks at his young, innocent son, on one hand wanting to preserve his blissful ignorance but on the other hand wanting to prepare him for the storm that is coming. This is such a tender moment. Jesus knows what is next for Peter, the suffering that will transpire and eventually Peter’s death, and all because he has answered, “Yes” to this question. Some suggest that Jesus repeats his question three times to undo, one for one, Peter’s three denials. But, I wonder if he doesn’t ask his question, repeatedly because he wants Peter to comprehend, even if it is through a glass lit dimly, what he has gotten himself into. 

We know what is coming next for Peter? “Very truly, I tell you, when you were younger, you used to fasten your own belt and to go wherever you wished. But when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will fasten a belt around you and take you where you do not wish to go.’” Jesus foretells Peter’s crucifixion.  He will not escape unscathed.

In a way though, none of us will escape this life unscathed. As much as this passage is about Peter, an unlikely “rock” who has good days and bad ones too, who is eager to be faithful and yet who struggles with following when fear and doubt cloud his vision, this passage is also about us. It is about the life of every disciple who says Yes to following Jesus, Yes to the perils of loving God and neighbor. Because there are good days and there are bad ones, too. There are times when we tend and feed sheep, when we provide food for a neighbor and her family who are all mourning the loss of a child, when we show up to the hospital to pray with a scared new mother whose baby is sick, when we knit a prayer shawl for a friend whose cancer has come back. This is tending and feeding. And, like Peter, we have other days, too, days that we are not proud of, when our fears and pains and disappointments prevent us from living out our love for Jesus. But no matter what, Jesus comes to us again and again, shepherding us along the way so that we will be ready for whatever may come next.

Jesus offers Peter a secret that morning on the beach. By tending and feeding sheep, by witnessing good news, reaching out to those who need us, by living our lives remembering that we are subject to one another, love can be sustained, even in the darkness. The acts of tending and nurturing each other give us the strength we will need to face our own crucibles, to be prepared for the day when we will reach out our own hands, allowing someone else to fasten our belt and lead us to a place which we may not be ready to go.

Jesus appears to Peter and to us, reminding each of us that all is never lost, no matter how far we have strayed, even if we have lost our way. We have been forgiven and called into ventures of which we cannot see the ending, by paths not yet trodden, and through perils unknown. But we leave this place with good courage, prepared to tend and feed, no matter where we may go, trusting that God’s hand is leading us all the way.

“Do you love me...” he asks us this question, too. Amen

Truth and Lies

“If my job requires me to withhold the whole truth, does that dishonesty still count as a sin?” I lost count of how many times one of my interrogators asked me this question, normally offline, around the smoke pit or in an anonymous corner of the dining facility. Occasionally, it was a question intended to stump me, or at least require some deft theological maneuvering. Most of the time, though, it was an honest question borne from a true tension which many of my soldiers felt every day when they talked to Afghan detainees and were required to develop relationships with them that were not altogether forthright. Soldiers don’t divulge information about their true identities during their interrogations. They don’t talk openly about their spouses or their children. They don’t tell their detainees where they were born or where they live now. They don’t even use their real name. It wouldn’t be safe or smart to do it any other way. However necessary it is to withhold information, the question remains, “Is this dishonestly sinful?” 

As a chaplain, my primary responsibilities are to conduct religious services and ensure that all service members, regardless of their faith background, have the freedom to practice their religion. I advise my commanders on issues of ethics, morality, and spiritual health, and offer counseling to service members who are struggling with a plethora of issues from family strife to trauma stemming from combat. Some days I talk extensively about God and pray about the fears which plague members of my unit. Most days, though, are less seeped in religious rhetoric. Instead, I find myself discussing the nuances which play out between the black and white lines of the military doctrine we are ordered to follow. Because my Soldiers have been trained to read beneath the surface and capitalize on subtlety, they are not easily convinced by rote explanations to complex questions. 

Over the year my unit was deployed to a detention facility in Afghanistan working as intelligence collectors, I never felt completely satisfied with my answer to their question about dishonesty. Is it or is it not a sin to lie, even when a lie may save a life? Normally, I would ramble on about how complicated this kind of question is. On one hand, a lie is a lie. Any falsehood, even when its purpose is saving lives or eradicating terror, is still dishonest. Ends don’t necessarily justify the means nor do they exonerate a perpetrator from facing consequences of his actions. Yet, some level of dishonesty seems to be a staple of human existence, even in the Bible. The Ten Commandments may instruct us not to bear false witness, but the Bible also regales stories where lying seems to be acceptable. Remember how Jacob lied to his father in order to steal a birthright and blessing away from his older brother, Esau. Because of his actions, Jacob ends up elect and favored. Dishonesty helped him get ahead, and instead of facing punishment, he gets to take his place among the greatest lineage in human history.

About halfway through our deployment, I along with an Air Force psychologist who was working with our interrogation teams, decided to address some of their questions pertaining to ethics. Convening a class on ethics in Human Intelligence Collection, we facilitated a discussion among our personnel who juggle personal convictions about morality with an often conflicting reality that the only way to get answers is to play with deceit. 

The first half of the class was a simple review of ethical systems. We talked about at the ethics spectrum from relativism to absolutism and discussed three theories of ethics: consequentialism, deontology, and virtue-based thinking. In each category, we looked at real world examples which are pertinent to the military community and conducting safe, legal, ethical, and effective Military Intelligence operations. From killing in combat to lying during an interrogation, we encouraged our soldiers to draw from their experiences as they broke into smaller groups and discussed the complexities of human intelligence collection.  

During the second part of the class, we discussed the challenges that arise when multiple systems of ethics converge. Throughout our deployment, we witnessed this in different ways. A detainee may have placed loyalty to family or tribe over a conflicting duty to tell the truth. An interrogator may choose not to lie to get particular answers because in his estimation the ends may not justify the means. We also noted that the Army’s system of ethics, though in part a blend of all three of these theories, drew heavily upon a Virtue-Based ethics model, evidenced in its core values, seven principles by which all Soldiers aspire to operate. 

The most compelling example of conflicting ethical systems that many of us witnessed while in Afghanistan took place at a local hospital. I organized a visit so that members of our unit would have the opportunity to interact with Afghan civilians and give blankets, sweaters, and other warm winter items to the children who were getting treatment. Our first attempt to give things away nearly devolved into a riot. Children were grabbing whole armfuls of knitted hats and gloves and seemed ready to trample each other so that they could get first pick of what we were offering. Mothers pinched their babies to make them cry so that they would be sent to the front of the line. We got the impression that the children would have said or done anything just for the chance to walk away with something. They placed highest value on the opportunity to get something which might help them and their family survive the cold winter, even if it meant jumping the line and taking from other children. 

Many of us were shocked by this behavior. We had never seen, firsthand, the kind of desperation and poverty which drove these children. Yet, this experience also helped my Soldiers understand the background from which their detainees originated. Though interrogators may be trained in detecting lies, having a greater understanding of what motivates their detainees to lie in the first place helped them hone their skills. 

No matter how lengthy a Soldier’s career has been in human intelligence collection, every good interrogator must continually strive for self-awareness, always knowing where the line between “self” and “interrogator” lies. Because this line is often blurred and Soldiers wrestle with the heaviness of their work, good leadership and guidance is always imperative. Wisdom comes most often from more experienced interrogators and warrant officers who have had to maintain this balance as a part of their career. Commanders provide mentoring which guides Soldiers as they negotiate challenging scenarios. I hope, at least occasionally, this needed guidance even comes from the chaplain. 

My theological training did not fully prepare me to tackle some of the questions Soldiers throw my way, but I know that I don’t answer them alone or in a vacuum. Instead, I join an effort of many who aim to uphold values of loyalty, duty, respect, selfless service, honor, integrity, and personal courage while also trying to protect the world from those who play by different rules. Those engaged in this calling aren’t looking for easy answers. They know easy answers don’t exist. Rather, they are ready to ask the hard questions and tackle the complexities.  A good interrogator recognizes the importance of the questions but also, even more importantly, the necessity of listening well for the answers. For imbedded in the bramble of truths and lies and everything between is intelligence which can save lives.  

The Lord is Risen Indeed, Alleluia

After quite a few long weeks of chocolate deprivation, the seasons have shifted. With three egg hunts in the span of a week, it’s hard to miss Easter’s coming, even if you are not a part of a faith community. Easter sunday gets the most attention of all the services of Holy Week. However, many who participate in the fullness of the days which take us from the foot of the cross all the way to the empty tomb, prefer the quiet reflection of the somber services on Maundy Thursday and Good Friday. 

This past Thursday, as members of my own church community sat around tables, sharing a simple meal of almonds, dates, grapes, and pita bread, we were each asked to reflect on a time when we witnessed the love of Christ. Not everyone had a chance to share, but even a small sampling of our different experiences of God’s radical love, was a reminder that the only was to really understand the resurrection is to engage with the crucifixion. I say this because most of the people who had the courage to talk about their experience of the love of Christ didn’t describe easy, uncomplicated moments of joy. From affirming the love of a husband who has nursed his spouse through countless reoccurrences of cancer to mentions of jail ministries or dealing with a family member suffering with drug addiction, all of the examples shared were an intermingling pain and sadness which, despite suffering, held glimmers of hope, just enough to keep everyone going. 

Over the weekend, I have reflected on my own answer to this question. An image of my father, sitting at a table across from me at our local Baskin Robbins, kept coming to mind. He had a cut on his forehead, and I remember thinking that he looked smaller than I remembered when I left for college at the beginning of the semester. A few days earlier, in a fit of rage, my brother had struck my father on the head. The police were called in and eventually took my brother to jail for assault. Baskin Robbins was my version of neutral ground since I refused to go home. With my brother removed from the scene, there was no reason for me to be afraid. Nonetheless, I didn’t want to face the rock bottom that my father was living. It was easier to stay away. 

I don’t think I was very good at being a sibling, even before my brother’s struggles with mental illness and drug addiction. Family members don’t really know what to do when things fall apart, particularly when they are no longer living at home and participating in day to day activities. From a few states away, it was easy for me to have an opinion about how my parents should react to my brother when he started going down a precarious path toward alcohol and drugs. Having just experienced high school drama, I warned my parents that things could get really bad, but as most parents of teenaged children do, they didn’t really know how to decelerate the train once it started rolling. We watched, paralyzed, as my brother’s life devolved. 

It is what followed in the next five or so years which has given me perhaps the greatest personal example of God’s radical love shared from a father to a son. Since that day in Baskin Robbins, the image of my battered father, his own moment of crucifixion, has been backdrop of their relationship in my eyes. From a safe distance, I have watched my father search the earth for treatment facilities and programs which might afford my brother a real chance at recovery. My father was willing to risk both financial and personal distress, much to my dismay, even at the slightest glimmer of hope. I couldn’t understand his dogged persistence, but on the other hand, I am only a sister and not a father. 

For many years, I believed that lasting recovery was not possible. Mostly I was too afraid to open my heart to the disappointment I feared would be inevitable. I had already decided that my brother would never get better. Yet, after quite a few failed attempts and even more moments of backsliding, my brother celebrated his first year of being substance free. It’s been almost five years. A few Easters ago, a pastor friend asked me what resurrection looked like in my life. I didn’t need time to think. My brother’s life immediately came to mind.  What was all but dead, now had new life; what was once lost, had been found. 

We have seen the radical love of God through the gracious care of fathers to son, daughters to ailing mothers, between neighbors, strangers, and friends and in so many other places. This past week, we encountered it at the cross. We journey through Holy Week to be reminded that life is often marked with pain and grief, no matter the darkness, resurrection always promises to follow. 

Alleluia, the Lord has risen. The Lord has risen indeed, Alleluia.